The road to manhood is never-ending. It has its highs and lows and everyday is a new adventure. Everyday there is a new challenge; a new learning experience. Yes, everyday there is an opportunity to learn, Learning to be a better man; a better citizen of humanity.

In my earlier piece I discussed the importance of my father in providing me with the valuable template to manhood and how he showed me thru his example some of the behaviors a man should have. He continues to do that to this day. My father was not alone in that task of leading by example. To make a man is the duty of the community. I was fortunate to have other men to mentor and reinforce the lessons my father was teaching me. They were positive role models in my life then and now.

A man should never be complacent, never satisfied, and always seeking excellence from within. To love unconditionally and protect those he loves sacrificing his own comforts. This piece is dedicated to the mentors and role models I have had yesterday, today, and those whom I have not met in the future who have and will help me on the continuing journey of being a real man.

Herbert Ward is the person who coined the very first nickname I ever had. He affectionately referred to me as, Tank. Uncle Herbert helped develop my love and passion for the arts. He along with my mother exposed me to all sorts of music from hard rock to r & b to classical to world beat. He exposed me to film and theatre. He is the person who introduced me to the Beatles, David Bowie, and Queen. To this day David Bowie in all his various incarnations is one of my favorite musicians. In fact, it was David Bowie’s Glass Spider tour that I bought tickets to as a younger man. Uncle Herbert also has the distinction of taking me to my first non-Disney movie as a child. In 1977 he took me to the Ziegfeld theatre to watch Richard Attenborough’s A Bridge Too Far. A little heavy for a 9-year old he took the time to explain in a whisper what World War II was about and what was happening on-screen in a way a child can understand. The most important lesson he taught me as a child just embarking on my journey to manhood was to have pride in who I am, what I look like (I was an overweight child), and where I come from while also embracing and loving other cultures and races. He along with my Aunt Randi taught me that respect, compassion, and love can exist across race. My Aunt Randi is white, and was born in Denmark. Their example as I look back on it was the first manifestation of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King’s dream in my young life.  Their example along with the example of my own parents taught me what love, commitment, and marriage is all about. Thank you Uncle Herbert!

The late Rev. Walter Murray came into my life in when I started school and ensured I was on solid ground to the path of manhood for the next eight years. He was the pastor of my elementary school, Holy Spirit. He also was my example in considering the possibility of walking the path to priesthood. In many ways he is the person who most influenced my decision to enter Cathedral Preparatory Seminary.  He gave me the gift of empathy and altruism. I realized about 10 years ago after a very, very challenging point in my life that I have those gifts. At that time and again 3 years ago I seriously considered to reject and abandon my empathic and altruistic nature. It was in those times I thought of Fr. Murray. He always helped and was always ready to help someone regardless of who they were. If it was food or clothes he gave it. If it was money he tried to raise it. If it was just an ear to listen he gave it. That example he provided during elementary school was invaluable. He was an example in my early years of a man attempting every day to Christ-like. It was the remembrance of him that gave me the strength not to change myself and repudiate the empathic and altruistic parts of myself. Thank you, Fr. Murray from one of your many children from Holy Spirit whom you inspired to attempt to be Christ-like thru deeds and action to try to make the world a better place one person at a time without requirement. I know you continue to look over all of your children from heaven.

The next two gentlemen took the baton from Fr. Murray and robustly guided me on the road to manhood. They are Wilson Martinez and Rev. Msgr. Wallace Harris. Both of these men entered my life when I started High School at Cathedral Prep. A very turbulent time for any boy, the two of them in tandem indelibly shaped me in many respects into the type of person, the type of man I am today.

Mr. Martinez helped me to have confidence in myself. He instilled my thought that I can overcome anything that comes in my way. He brought out a tenacity of spirit in me that fortunately has never left even though sometimes I may forget I have it. Mr. Martinez spent hours as my public speaking coach helping me to overcome a lisp and slur in speaking I had. He consistently drilled me on diction and enunciation. He fed my desire to write by motivating me to write original speeches that I would use in competition. His dedication turned me into a very skilled orator at the time on a competitive level. More importantly he created a skilled orator and writer for life. What an important skill to have in business today.

He was also my “unofficial” guidance counselor and job coach. I shared with him my fears when my mother became very ill. He helped me when I was thinking about leaving in my junior year to start college a year early thru a special program. He gave me sage advice and the council a man needs to give to a boy who aspires to be a man. His most important contribution to me was the freedom and comfort to express and embrace my personal relationship with God. My High School was not just a college prep school but a prep seminary also, helping young men with thoughts of living life serving humanity and God. On Thursdays was prayer group instead of our normal weekday lunchtime Mass. It was in Mr. Martinez’s prayer group where we took turns leading anyway we wished. It was that freedom, free from ritual that opened my mind not just to my faith but to other faiths around the globe; and to gain an acceptance of them. As the years have passed I refer to myself as a “Cathoist”, my name for the blending of Christianity and Buddhism which I view myself as. It was in his prayer group that I began to understand the higher ideals that we all are capable of and should express to each other. That lesson has helped me throughout my life. I take comfort in that and that lesson has helped me from the death of my mother to the realization rather suddenly of the love I have for a very special woman in my life. Thank you Mr. M!

Rev. Msgr. Wallace Harris taught me discipline. He also fostered the militant and analytical sides of my personality. He in no small way contributed to my somewhat strange sense of humor. He taught me to accept the various masks and personas we tend to develop throughout life for defense or to cope but also how to strip those away also in others as well as in myself. To those who knew me then remember “The Count” and “Chudley”?

He helped channel my militancy by allowing me within a structure to “stand up” and “speak out” not just for myself but for those who are too afraid to for themselves. In my professional life I witness unethical and immoral practices everyday that is disguised as being ethical and moral. Folks may not listen when I speak out but I make sure my voice is heard. He equipped me with the tools to identify and analyze situations that are unethical and immoral. My militancy developed then and continues to grow in the pride I have in being a Black Man in America. He gave that gift to me and to all of my “brothers” not just my black brother but my brothers of all races at Cathedral Prep. He demanded, expected, and like a gardener planted the seed in all of us that we can do anything. We can achieve anything we put our hearts and minds into. That was the key; both the heart and mind had to be in agreement with each other. He was for us then what Barack Obama is to our children, an example of achievement. Father Harris taught discipline and respect for yourself and for others. I remember when I was a freshman; he thought I sucked my teeth in disagreement of what he was teaching.”Mr. Recall come here.” His deep baritone voice bellowed. I thought I was tough, I was as tall as he was when I got to the front of the class he picked me up by the knot of my tie and commenced to verbally admonish me for the transgression and the lack of respect I showed him. That was a lesson learned that would have been given to me in a similar yet much more violent way from my father. There was never any sagging pants or disrespectful slang allowed in his presence or discussion with him. You had to present and articulate yourself in a professional, respectful, and dignified manner at all times. He demanded that every day all the time, yet he was also was an example of how to wage war if the same is not extended to you. The ability to decide how and when to fight the “good” fight I learned from him. Fr. Harris gifted me with social consciousness and awareness. Two items every man needs to have. Regarding his unfair and unjust persecution by his beloved Holy Roman Church, all I can think of is a quote by Mahatma Gandhi; “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” Thank you Fr. Harris for  shaping me into a man with aspirations to be great and the strength to continually seek greatness within myself.

The final group of men travels the road of manhood with me to this day. Growing together, laughing together, sharing together even though distance has carried us to different parts of the US and away from New York we share a bond that has grown from friendship to family to beyond family to true brotherhood. Derek George, James Middlebrooks, Sean Jones, Louis DaCosta Gomez, Warren Collins, and Oswin Deally are the men who with love I refer to as my brothers. Their examples in their quest to become the best fathers and husbands they possibly can inspire me. They gave me the gift of having a “fire” for life. To enjoy and savor every minute of life I possibly can. They also gave me the gift of loyalty. I keep my circle very, very, very small. I interact with many people all the time but there are only a select few that I invite into my circle and at the core of that circle are these six men. Unquestionable, undeniable loyalty, honor, respect, and love in brotherhood we share with each other. In life people come in and out of our lives these six men entered and have never left. We have traversed the road together and along the journey friendship seems to be an inadequate word to describe our bond. Family comes close but is also inadequate. Our bond is indescribable.  A person who I invite to meet even one of these guys is an awesome feat, because that means I hold that person in dear and high place in my heart. I am and will be forever a soldier in each of your armies ready to fight, ready to support, ready for whatever life brings to each of you. In life we are lucky when we have one best friend. What does it mean when you have six who have surpassed that description? Thank you my brothers for keeping me rooted to the ground, keeping me inspired and motivated even during the darkest of times.

Manhood is not bestowed upon a boy magically at 18 or 21. It is a constantly evolving process that never ends. It is not started alone nor is it achieved alone. Boys today need the guidance I have been blessed to have to become great men. Girls today need the guidance a male role model can give to become great women. One of the most sacred tasks of a man is to show a boy the responsibilities and requirements of manhood and to show a girl what they should demand from men as they grow into womanhood. That is the task of fathers. However if a child’s father is unavailable or unwilling, seek out people and organizations who can put you in contact with others who can offer that positive influence and reinforcement.  Boys and  girls need mentors in their lives from birth to death to show them, motivate them, and keep them on the road to manhood and womanhood, helping to smooth the potholes along their way. In my journey I realized and recognized the men in my life who helped make this “real man” a responsible, asset to humanity.  All of the real men that I mentioned, all who are reading this as well as myself must continue to be positive, productive examples not just for ourselves and our children but, for those who are observing us silently and see us as examples they wish to emulate. We can change the future because we have the power to mentor.