“….I want to be married, live with a man, have a partner….” – another Anonymous female friend
I now see exactly to a great extent what Deborah Cooper was speaking about in her article, The Black Church: how Black Churches Keep African-American Women Single and Lonely. My original response to this article caused an uproar and many comments from women defending Ms. Cooper’s stance. My position then as it is now is predominantly the same. The church; any church is meant to bring us all together in the house of God to worship Him. The church brings us all together as one community to help each other in any way we possibly can. What has changed is this and I agree with Ms. Cooper that the black church has become an enabler to black women to keep them wishing upon a star instead of living and learning how to attain their goals. The church has made women passive, mercurial and wanting a relationship or achievement to come to them magically out of thin air.
Over the past months I have met women who have goals and have embarked on achieving them. When it comes to academic achievement the results are measurable and clear. You either pass or fail. When it comes to relationship issues it is not measurable and it is always clouded. Men by design have faults, some much more than others. Some men will never attain the attributes I describe in What Is a Black Man. What about those men who have or at least is dedicated to their attainment? I can guarantee that there are good, strong, honorable, and respectable black men. I am one of many who share in the definition described in What is a Black Man. We are in search of partnership and companionship from Black women.
What many men I have spoken with as well as myself agree on is that the church has become an enabler to black women to keep “wishing upon a star” and having an unrealistic “Cinderella” complex about having a healthy relationship with a man. Everyone must have requirements in seeking a companion. However, what I have found is that many women seek a companion out of need or for some; their mercurial nature frustrates and confuses a potential man away. At that point the fault is the man’s at least in a woman’s eyes.
The church has imbued women with a sense that they will receive a 3×5 index card from God saying, “Bingo! This is the man I have chosen for you.” In all fairness, the church is not totally to blame. Women who have been hurt by boys pretending to be men reflexively react by embracing religion and the church to a point where they expect to receive a revelation from God like John did in the cave of Patmos. God does not send 3×5 index cards raining down from Heaven. God sends his messages thru His creation. He sends His messages thru others. That creates the problem; the black churches have paralyzed some women and have reinforced their fears to the point where they are unable to interact with a man. On cue some women respond to men when asked to go to lunch or dinner with,”Dinner, yes. Sex No.” Now where did sex come from? Can two people share a simple meal and get to know each other first?
To achieve any goals we have to be unwavering and steadfast in our belief in ourselves. We must be secure in our own skin, secure in our own abilities, and have a plan to achievement. There is no room for a flighty, mercurial nature in securing success. This is imperative for men as well as women. Women who do have a mercurial nature seem to have been justified by some congregations and preachers. They are emotionally paralyzed and continually set goals and believe in revelations that they will not achieve and will not receive. God communicates to us and blesses us thru our interactions with others. Due to this, the black church thru its teachings and the person effectively blocks the blessings that God intends for us to receive. We must stop that practice!
The blessing God intends in many respects may be right in front of you, yet you are blind because you want what you want, not what God intends. The church holds just as much blame as the person for perpetuating the belief that God sends wants not needs. A need can be revealed as a want if approached with an open mind, heart and leaving past baggage at the door. It takes patience, a plan, self-confidence, and the ability to critically evaluate yourself first before prejudging others. I understand that not all women are like this, but this is what many men encounter. Believe me ladies, there are good black men out here you just have to give us a chance on a balanced, unbiased field. To those women who are not like this or have not fallen into this trap, please make your presence known and mentor the sisters who have and be there for the brothers who are seeking you for partership and companionship.
Thank you Deborah for opening many eyes and particularly to opening this single black man’s eyes to the problem that can be considered a “root cause” as to why many good single black men have problems with good single black women.